The MacMansion Next Door

Inconsistencies & Humor

2010-06-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

The windows have all gone in. Oddly, the house has yet to be 'wrapped'. I'm no builder but I've seen enough "Holmes On Homes" and Bob Vila episodes to know that normally a house is wrapped with something like a Tyvek® or similar protective house wrap over the (either) plywood or OSB sheathing before windows are installed. The windows also appear to be low, construction-grade, non-energy efficient as well.

Big-ass expensive house....cheapy windows and installation that should provide some mighty leaks and wet sheathing down the road.

A 'sort of' portico has gone on over the front entrance. Columns and a balcony above, all the way to the roof which butts the house out about another four feet and blocks that much more view of the piddly few remaining trees beyond.

It's a very strange house to begin with. A four-foot above-ground basement (in addition to the five feet of basement space below). No basement windows. Can you say: "Cave"? Kinda gloomy if you ask me. Maybe a media room. Or a bomb shelter.

I have to say that at this point curiosity regarding some of the building practices and er...'architectural' decisions have surpassed any other feelings I have about the structure. Well, maybe not surpassed. More like temporarily supplanted.

Had to laugh the other day when my UPS man delivered a package to me and upon leaving commented on "The Hotel" going up next door. Got me to thinking: Maybe I should be feeling sorry for the new tenants/owners/residents/hotel guests. More and more off-handed sarcastic hotel/motel references are being heard in the neighborhood. Kind of makes their home, its placement here and its overall design (putting it kindly): a bit of a joke.

Well, you know what they say? If you can find some humor in something, then it can't be all that bad.

"I'm laughing....I'm laughing....I'm laughing....". Yeah, that's it...."I'm laughing...I'm laughing.....I'm.................."

...And The Monster Grows

2010-06-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

...and grows and grows and...

Each day of construction brings new bells and whistles, hoo hahahs and more wonton waste of lumber sacrificed purely for some maniacal builder's concept of "taste". I've seen gigantic dormers constructed off the attic (which is big enough to accommodate a small fast food or convenience store) with no access to them from inside the attic. In other words, empty space where one could store things. In the case of these spaces, one could store a mid-size van. But there they stand, studded up, soon to be sheet rocked over, destined to be vacant forever except for spider families and an occasional raccoon visitation. Built purely for the aforementioned, alleged aesthetic and adding to the quintessential definition of a "MacMansion": Roof line upon roof line; angle upon angle; add ons upon add ons like so many hotel additions constructed along a Monopoly board's Park Place; no purpose but to perhaps impress the local gentry.

Someone who I've never met before but lives a block or two over and happened by one Sunday morning made the unsolicited comment: "Why didn't they build something like that in ___________?" (Fill in the name of the town where there exists a majority of $1M+ homes.)

Yeah. Ya think. But, then, I did think. Exactly. Why did they build something like that here and not in an area more structurally/financially and ...er....aesthetically commensurate with this one? Again...."exactly".

If one wants to stand out and be noticed, then one can't do that where all your neighbors are wearing the same dress, so to speak. No. One wears an evening gown and long gloves to the supermarket where everyone else is in shorts and t-shirts.

After all, if your neighbor's house cost $1.5M and your other neighbor's house cost $1.3, how is anyone going to know that yours cost $1.6? A million-dollar house is a million-dollar house, give or take $100K. But....next to an obviously, considerably (to put it mildly) cheaper and older and smaller home, all you have to do is set up your $1.6M tent and you don't even have to put out a sign saying: "I'm the biggest and most expensive on the block".

Well, as they say, you can put lipstick on a pig, but...you know the rest.

In The Eye Of The Beholder ...And Their Proximity Too

2010-05-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

Ever since the MacMansion's bones began taking form where one could actually distinguish size, structure and general imposition, I've heard varied opinions from my neighbors as to its design, setting and appropriateness for our area. So far they're running about 50/50 - pro and con which sort of surprised me since I assumed there wouldn't be even that many positive reactions. More surprising to me is the reasoning behind many of the "ayes" , and the odd coincidence that they come from neighbors whose houses are well beyond the shadow of the superstructure. I can only wonder if their positive reactions aren't so much based on taste or principle (or lack thereof) or if it's merely a proximity issue (or lack thereof).

Often heard was their assessment of presumed increased property values as a result of the very presence of the MacMansion. This is where proximity becomes a major factor. Relative to the distance your home lies from the structure's shadow then perhaps - perhaps - that theory might hold some merit and one might share that view. But if the sunlight that once shone through your lone side or front window or grew a part of your garden is now blocked by the new Motel 6, then you may (literally and figuratively) have a different view. Relatively speaking, therefore, you may find it hard to cultivate a more positive opinion about any potential increase in your home's value.

After all, if you attempt to sell your modest home to someone interested in purchasing a modest home, I'd think any prospective buyer would be (to say the least) be a bit overwhelmed by the immediately adjacent proximity of such an overdone, gigantic, ostentatious motel-sized house. As a matter of fact, a study done by Ohio State University ten or so years ago vouched for similar negative results effected upon existing, smaller nearby homes with the introduction of a MacMansion next door:

"The MacMansion next door may not be all that desirable an addition if it is exactly that: Next Door. A few doors away? Your proximity may greatly change your opinion."

A CNN real estate report added another scenario into the resale mix of any existing, older and smaller homes: Basically, those homes - the actual houses themselves - then become "tear downs" in the eyes of real estate agents and/or potential buyers. The property now carries the bulk of the value. New buyers or real estate speculators would buy with the sole intent of leveling the existing house and rebuilding a similar MacMansion like the one next door. On an economic level, it makes perfect sense to me. On an emotional level... it's disturbing and a little depressing to contemplate while sitting in my lovely little ranch surrounded by vast expanses of gardens cultivated and nurtured for over 25 years. Indeed, metaphorically speaking, they would "pave paradise and put up a parking lot".

But that's something I can't dwell upon. What's done is done and what will be will be and what is....IS.

As far as some of the positive (albeit in my opinion - skewed) opinions of certain neighbors, everyone is certainly entitled to their own opinions. After a long life and experience, it really should come as no surprise to me that opinions vary not just by virtue of Principle. In this case, it's Proximity.

Then again, Principle doesn't seem to count for much lately anyway.

Caroline Ingalls & Me

2010-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Caroline Ingalls, mother of Laura Ingalls Wilder who authored the "Little House [On The Prairie]" novels, and I certainly had/have one thing in common: We both love/loved our little houses.

My guess is that even if Caroline could have wrangled up a few more nickels from selling her eggs and pies, she wouldn't have opted to spend her mini windfall on relocating her human and feathered brood into the prairie's version of what we now refer to as A MacMansion. Doubtful, too, would have been her likelihood to welcome with open arms the construction of such a structure less than 100 feet away from her modest lean-to cabin.

Undoubtedly the possibility of another root cellar, or a pull-down ladder to the sleeping lofts or a commode inside the house might have been enticing. But all could have been accomplished without blocking out the sun over her vegetable garden. Sans the chicken raising and egg sales, I can identify and empathize with Caroline's common sense & practical nature. I believe we'd share sentiments of the unconscionable waste and environmental unfriendliness represented by a such a house; not to mention its tasteless ostentatiousness on both Caroline's little prairie or mine.

Despite our undeniable cultural and historical differences, however, I'm still sure Caroline's love of prairie and home would have initiated unfettered empathetic support when my own present-day neighborhood version of Walnut Grove shockingly and sadly found itself prepping for the arrival of its very first gen-u-wine MacMansion.

To say I am depressed about this totally out-of-its-element behemoth - and that most of my neighbors are not exactly prepping the welcome wagon - is an understatement. While I reserve opinions about the new residents themselves, I have no reservations about my opinion of their house and where they chose to plunk it.

Aside from this blog being a personal catharsis for me, perhaps some of what I write may connect with other MacMansion-darkened hearts out there who are presently or will one day be living in the looming multi-roof shadow of one of these monstrosities. At least you don't have to feel intimidated to stop by here and ask for a cup of sugar. The maid won't have to announce you. There are no landscape minions to serpentine past. No locked gate and no blinding 16 foot chandelier in the foyer.

I'm the maid and the head gardener. And if you come at night, just mind the flowers as you walk up our dirt path because if it's been a cloudy day, the Walmart solar lights won't work.